Spencer's Mom

Except a kernel of wheat fall into the ground and die, it abideth alone: but if it die, it bringeth forth much fruit.

Devotion :  What do You say?


Devotion :  What do You say?

Let what you say be simply ‘Yes’ or ‘No’; anything more than this comes from evil. Matthew 5:37 ESV

It was twelve years ago but it was a simple conversation with God that I will never forget. I stood in my living room staring out of the window, somewhat astonished that the sun had come up, that the sky was turning from black to cobalt blue streaked with violet, it was a perfect winter day. And God said, “Will you forgive?”

He didn’t have to say more. I knew he meant the people who had murdered my son, Spencer, just that morning, about four hours earlier. I did not know their names. Yet the question pressed against my crushed heart. Will you?

And all I said was, “Yes.”

Several days later, a well-meaning friend commented that perhaps the God I worshipped wasn’t as powerful as I thought. I mean, Where was He? And truthfully, I couldn’t find Him at that moment. At all. I didn’t see Him, hear Him or feel Him.

But I said this: “Either God is everything He says He is, or He is nothing at all. “

Everything. Redeemer, Almighty God, King of Kings, the Great Shepherd, Conqueror, Deliverer, Healer, Keeper, Comforter. He is I AM.

That means He was there. Jehovah Shammah. And it meant He was in control.

To this day, I believe that my simple declaration, which was strangely defiant in the midst of unspeakable brokenness and defeat, kick-started a move of God upon my life and circumstances that otherwise would’ve laid dormant, an if-only in the spirit realm, never fulfilled on this earth.

This is faith defined. And it gives pause to wonder how many if-onlys I have to my account that I will sadly realize someday when I see my Father face to face.

It’s amazing that just a few simple words spoken by a helpless and shattered woman can turn the heavy hand of destiny for so many lives.

I confess there are times that I have felt differently, when every cell in my body screams in rebellion at God. I don’t want to forgive, to let it go. Or when all of my common sense pulls towards the domain of fear, worry and “I’ve got to DO something about this!” but God whispers,

“Just trust Me.”

Surrender does not come naturally. Yet I have found that as soon as we will to do God’s will, it’s the easiest and simplest thing on earth. Just uncurl your little fingers from around that thing and…release. Now breathe.

Decisions. There are things I have thought that I dared not speak, because just the words being released into the world on some level, changes things.

So also the tongue is a small member, yet it boasts of great things. How great a forest is set ablaze by such a small fire!  And the tongue is a fire, a world of unrighteousness. The tongue is set among our members, staining the whole body, setting on fire the entire course of life, and set on fire by hell. James 3:6 ESV

Yikes!

When I was little my mom’s nick-name for me was “Last-Word Lucy” after the Peanuts Lucy character. My nature, my DNA, is big-mouthed. Yet as I have poured more of Jesus into me, the Lucy has diminished greatly over time. Like I said, I still think some things I know I shouldn’t say. And I try to say the things I know I should. More I love you’s. More Yes I will to the simple commands that God places before me.

Today there were four children from two different families playing upstairs in my house. I bought a big box of second hand toys for my granddaughter’s visits and I still have Jake’s (and probably some of Miles’) matchbox cars in a shoebox. As I listened to the beautiful flow of play trickling down the stairs I realized none of the twelve people in my house, except for two, would be here, would know the glorious hope and peace that comes from knowing Jesus, if I had not said Yes that morning twelve years ago. It’s safe to say a couple of them would be dead.

I say this not to elevate myself, because God had prepared me well in advance to know the right answer to his question. For me it was a no-brainer. Forgiveness is a command that should be closely followed by love, another command. But think about this, the next time you pause to answer, or wrestle with obeying a very patient and merciful God: we can’t see what is weighing in the balance of eternity, but God surely can. In that same chapter of James, he declares that it takes a very small rudder to steer a huge ship. Yes? Or No? Very small words that can open or close doors on destinies, on someone’s very life.

I don’t ever want to forget this. After the kids left today, and I found a few trucks and stuffed animals tossed around the house, I said a silent Thank you Jesus. What small things He asks of me, and what immeasurable blessing He pours forth, “that we can’t contain it”. It’s all in a word sometimes. If we believe that God’s keeps HIS word, we should try to keep ours.

Agree with the One You Don’t Agree With

 

Agree with your adversary quickly… Matthew 5:25

Notice Jesus doesn’t say, “Make your adversary agree with you” or “Try to work things out”. He simply tells us to do something oppositional. Agree and adversary. They don’t belong together. Oh, and make it fast.

I’ve read a few different commentaries on this, but if you read the previous text, He actually tells you not to even bother Him if you have grudges on the grill. “Get up from the altar and GO!” (my translation). He says you can leave your offering because He is expecting you will return…this time with a right heart.

The If/ then upside down commands of Jesus are often skipped over, or held up like a Rubik’s Cube. Maybe it goes this way…no. Maybe like this? No…

Just a few from Jesus, (words in RED!)

Love your enemies.

Pray for those who persecute you.

Everyone who exalts himself will be humbled; everyone who humbles himself will be exalted.

Whoever clings to their life will lose it, but whoever lets go of their life for me will find it.

So the last shall be first and the first last.

And, oh yeah, he gets to be a servant of ALL.

Straightforward enough, but you begin to get a clear picture as to why so many left Jesus during his earthly ministry. Because, if we are honest, these things are hard. It’s easy to quote it to someone else, but how about me when I am hurt, offended, betrayed. Don’t I have a right?

And this is the heart and soul of all that following Christ means. Every If/ Then, every impossible command brings us to the cross, crying “I give up!” Falling to our knees, we lay it down there; our right to unforgiveness, to self-righteousness, to self-pity and pride. Dump it all there and leave it. So simple. But so stinking hard for my prideful, selfish SELF.

I don’t find any exceptions to Jesus’ rule. Forgive- always. Everything. Love-always. Everyone. If you find a clause in there let me know. Oswald Chambers said,

“To look for justice is a sign of deflection from devotion to Him. Jesus says- Go on steadily on with what I have told you to do and I will guard your life.” God warned Cain in Genesis, “Sin lies at the door. And it’s desire is for you.” Obedience keeps the door closed.

In my own life I am so glad that Jesus said these things. It has saved me from a slow bitter death that would have likely taken out my marriage, my children and others that I love. I would rather have the provision, covering, and grace of a loving and sovereign God that I don’t always understand, than a bucket of my rights and demands. But this I know; you can’t have both.

When my boys were little and they would fight, I made a practice of staying out of playing Judge Judy. It seemed fruitless and way too time consuming. So I’d just make them say sorry and make up. After a few sniffles and some minor pouting, they did and within minutes I would hear their play resume and laughter would fill the house. It was forgiven and a fading memory.

Let’s take another piece of wisdom from the words in RED and be more like little children. I have seen too many people that I love let offences and circumstances take them out and adrift from the will of God. Agree with your adversary quickly, then go to Jesus with a pure and joyful heart. He is waiting for you.

 

The Lord is My Portion

“The Lord is my portion, says my soul. Therefore will I hope in Him.” Lamentations 3:24 NKJV

 

“I just can’t understand a God who would allow such suffering in the world.” I wish this statement wasn’t so annoying to me. I’ve heard it often and it’s spoken sincerely, but it’s more than overstated; it’s what I would call a cultural cliché’. I won’t deny that I haven’t pondered the problem of unmerited suffering and pain on earth. Or why did God create mosquitoes?

I think the reason this line of thinking annoys me is because it’s seldom thought out. If you don’t understand something, and you truly want the answer, wouldn’t you research it? Study it? So first you’d want to know who is God? And I’m convinced that if you are able to even partially answer that question, you would be able to sufficiently answer the bigger question. Why? Because He is God. He is “I am”, as He reveals in the book of Exodus.

Sovereign: Supreme in rule and power. Independent over all others. (Websters Dictionary).

God is sovereign as the Creator of all things. That means He can do what He wants, for whatever reason He wants. And He doesn’t have to explain it. My hunch is it would be like trying to explain molecular atomics to a retard. I mean Developmentally Disabled person, sorry.

 

All the peoples of the earth are regarded as nothing. He does as he pleases with the powers of heaven and the peoples of the earth. No one can hold back his hand or say to him: “What have you done?” (NIV) Daniel 4:35.

What is man that You are mindful of him, and the son of (earthborn) man that You care for him?Psalm 8:4 (Amplified)

Wow. Regarded as nothing? Sometimes I think this is true. I would never ask my kids their opinion when I bought a car. I regarded their input as “nothing”. I remember when my son Spence was 14 he declared his first car would be a brand new 4 wheel drive Jeep with tinted windows. In actuality his first car was a ten year old Chevy station wagon and he loved it. A new perspective comes with time and experience. But even Solomon, declared the wisest man on earth and author of Proverbs declared, “The beginning of wisdom is the fear of God.” Fear Him because He’s mean? No, God is always love. Fear Him because the answer won’t always come packaged the way we expect it to. And He does as He pleases.

Two thousand plus years ago, an unexpected package landed on earth. Emmanuel, God with us. He certainly didn’t come in a way we might have guessed. He left His heavenly throne for a cold smelly barn. The times were tough and uncertain, even hostile. Yet the babe that grew to be the man, Jesus, never promised He would take suffering from us. He walked with us for 33 years, but never explained the mystery of His sovereignty. Why, God, why?

I think we have it backwards. It should not be us asking Why, but Him. Why do we still rely on ourselves and our own manufactured cheap goods when He has opened up the storehouses of heaven for those He calls His own? Why do we complain endlessly about what He has not done for us, when we turn from all He has for us? Why do we rage about our suffering when He, who took the scourge, the thorns, the nails, the cross, gave it all for us?

Emmanuel. God with us. I admit I still complain sometimes and in His great longsuffering and tender mercy, He will even listen. I have sipped from the cup of bitterness with Him and also drank from the sweet fountain of His grace. He is my portion.The One who laid the foundations of the earth and formed the heavens will also bottle every tear and “joys over us with singing”.(Zephaniah3:17 KJV). God with us. Still and forever.

 

More Precious than Diamonds

 

But as it is written, Eye hath not seen, nor ear heard, neither have entered into the heart of man, the things which God hath prepared for them that love him. 1 Corinthians 2:9

As soon as my left hand grabbed the hot coffee cup I knew something wasn’t right. Maybe it was the subtle weight of the ring, or the familiar sparkle. Whatever it was, it was not there. Instead, I stared in awe at the four prongs jutting out from the ring next to my wedding band, now empty handed, revealing the gray tarnished white gold normally hidden beneath a diamond. Erin, my daughter-in-law, who was passing me the coffee as we sat at the Starbucks drive-up, caught my stare and followed it to the ring.

We didn’t say much. I think she was watching me more than the empty ring, waiting for my response to cue hers. We’ve heard of this kind of thing, how girls can be about their diamonds – reduced to rubble, humiliating ourselves to hands and knees in the dairy aisle of Stop and Shop (yes, I knew someone who did this. The diamond was not found). But somehow I just knew this was it. I would look for it, back-tracking through a large art museum, a parking lot made of tar with crushed glittery stones in it (I had to laugh when I saw it) and a restaurant. When we got home, we combed through the car, my pocketbook, the house. I couldn’t remember really seeing it last. But it was gone, the stone my husband had held out when he proposed to me, the diamond that had belonged to his grandmother, a large 2 carat plus stone that had survived three generations. Sorry Gram.

I’ve never been a “diamond” kind-of girl. I have to confess this so I don’t look like I’m trying to come across as Mother Theresa. I was a hippie before there were hippies. My mom said her side of the family was always kind of dreamy, crossing the Atlantic from Scotland in the 1700’s in pursuit of… dreams. The Murray clan settled on Edisto Island in South Carolina and became planters, prospering almost effortlessly through a windfall of fine cotton, Sea Island cotton, which was exported to France. We were never rich, like some planters, but we were known as being kind and fair. The theory is we were too dreamy, not quite as tethered to material gain as others. This explained why mom seemed to spend most of our childhood drinking coffee and staring out of the kitchen window, a Parliament slowly burning in an ashtray beside her. The house was clean and so were we, but she took little notice of furniture, drapes and jewelry. I never once heard her say she wanted something material. Her mind was elsewhere. And I grew up the same.

I always tell people, if you want someone to notice your new furniture, don’t ask me over. I might notice a month or two later that something looks a little different, but I just can’t put my finger on it. So when my husband gave me this oversized diamond, I really didn’t notice. The next day, I was excitedly telling a friend that I was engaged when she grabbed my hand and started screaming, “Oh my GOD!” This would be the first of many such embarrassing times for me. Like I said, it’s just not me.

When Erin and I had finished looking in the car, I asked her to pray with me and we asked God to take over the search. It’s His diamond, if He wants me to get it back, He has the means. A beautiful peace seemed to fill her living room, and she said, “Our treasures are in heaven, right?” which made me really happy because this girl is getting it. And that is so much more valuable than any earthly jewel.

I can’t even begin to imagine what heavenly treasure will look like. Somehow I don’t think it will be jewels as we know them, although certainly heaven will trump any crown or palace here. Streets of gold? Why not? But my guess is at least part of that heavenly treasure will come in the form of seeing loved ones there, or perhaps a stranger will say, “I was in your Sunday School class” or “I’m a friend of Erin’s” or “you told me about Jesus one day in an airport,” and God’s inconceivable plan of love and redemption will begin to unfold and spill over before our eyes, more glorious that a fountain of pure gold. There is simply nothing on earth to compare with His glory.

My wedding band is white gold and on the inside we had inscribed, “CB and Robin / 10-11-97 / Jesus is Lord” It’s alone on my ring finger now and I admit at first it felt a little strange without the big rock next to it. I made my husband promise he would not get me another diamond. I like just the band, the simplicity of its message, that after 15 years, we can still say, “Jesus is Lord.” When I called my husband up from North Carolina to tell him that the diamond was lost, he said, “We have Jesus, we have everything we need.” Dreams on earth, treasure in heaven, and a family around me that understands, that gets it. Everything we need, all that I want.

 

You Are My Hiding Place

You are my hiding place; You shall preserve me from trouble; You shall surround me with songs of deliverance. Selah. Psalm 32:7 NKJ

I can still feel the smooth, cool branches of the huge maple tree on my hands and legs as I shimmied up the limbs, familiar with each branch as I scurried up high. Finally I arrived to my secret place, a massive (well to an eight year old) limb that stretched out over the street, with enough room to straddle it comfortably, using the trunk to lean on. From there, I could see the world pass by: men with briefcases walking home from the train, kids roller-skating and riding bikes with dogs chasing close behind, teenagers with low secret voices. But the best part was no one could see me. It was my hiding place.

I spent many hours in that tree. When my brother died in 1964, I climbed more often, escaping the confusing darkness that was cast upon my home. Eventually I came down from the tree for good, stepping into a world of unlimited distraction. But by age twenty I was worn out and ready to quit. Termed “passively suicidal” I was admitted to a psychiatric hospital in New York City. It seemed like a sanctuary, ten stories up overlooking Harlem. I felt safe. Then after six weeks I left and descended again into a life I was ill-equipped to handle. And I was on five medications.

That was long ago. As a nurse I can assure you that psychiatry does not have any more of an answer now than it did then. Different meds, same band aid. And after working two years on the night shift in a busy ER I can also tell you that there is no lack of broken, confused twenty-somethings out there. There’s only one thing I’ve seen that works and works for good. I had a real encounter with Jesus Christ over 24 years ago and I was changed in an instant. I still can’t explain it today. I just know I’m not alone. I’ve personally seen judges, thugs, cops and doctors, teachers, bikers and the mentally retarded transformed before my eyes through just one touch from Jesus.

The Bible says it rains on the just and the unjust. In other words, God doesn’t cut deals for His beloved children. I personally don’t believe life should be easy. I’ve been crushed and rebuilt several times. Once when my pastor asked me to share my testimony I asked, “Which life?” But I know that’s where my faith was refined or discovered, that’s where Jesus was waiting for me. That’s where I found the hiding place, a place of rest and redemption, a strong arm to hold me up when I could not stand up, a cool place of refreshing under the shadow of the Almighty. It was there for David when he had nowhere to run. It was there for John, alone and banished to a pile of rocks called Patmos. It’s there, right now, for you too.

I’m probably a little too old to climb a tree although I’d try. When my husband and I were dating (in our early forties) we climbed trees once for fun and it came back just like riding a bike. The maple tree in Connecticut is gone now and the street I climbed up above is very different. But the God who loved me even then has not changed one bit. When life gets hard, and it should, climb up. “Draw near to God and He will draw near to you”(James 4:8) He is your hiding place. And together you can sing songs of deliverance.

 

 

 

 

Love Bears All Things

“Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.” 1 Corinthians 13:7 NKJV

Sometimes I still reach for the phone, that mysterious mother-daughter bond still intact, though now more like phantom pain. Connected but not connected, the lines more primal than functional. You see, mom has severe dementia. We haven’t had a normal conversation in almost three years. The last time I saw her, two months ago, she did not know who I was.

Truthfully, I wanted to feel sorry for me, that cord now completely severed. The recognition, the way her eyes would light up when she saw me, even when most other lights had gone out, was soothing. Something in her Mother DNA still fired at my image. Was it love? The answer is complex. But it seemed easier to love her. Now I was about as central to her life as a nutritionist or activities director.

Yet doesn’t the mother-child relationship define unconditional love? I remember clearly the instant bond I felt with the arrival of my first son. Its power was supernatural. In retrospect we need that strength for the times when our kids are not-so-loveable, when they are flat-out exhausting, even ugly. (If you have not raised a teenager yet this word may shock you.) It has humbled me at times like this to remember the dirty, smelly shape Jesus found me in 23 years ago and the many times since then He has “endured all things” out of His boundless love and mercy. Indeed there were times when I must’ve looked at Him as if HE were my activities director, my butler, my cosmic therapist. Yet He only saw me with eyes that burned with love and hope.

“As a mother comforts her child, so will I comfort you.” Isaiah 66:13. I’m so grateful that God thought of everything I need. I am complete in Him, I don’t need to feel self-pity. The next time I saw my mother I bought her some crazy colorful jewelry, some baubles to wear for our lunch together. My brothers and I took her out to one of those fabulous New York diners and she joyfully ate her lunch while she sat next to this woman who laughed a lot and had her brothers snap a photo of the two of them. In the picture I notice two things. My eyes shine with love for the woman next to me, my mom. And she really loves her new bracelet. The strange lady sitting so close to her must be okay.