Spencer's Mom

Except a kernel of wheat fall into the ground and die, it abideth alone: but if it die, it bringeth forth much fruit.

The Good Dirt

The “garden”

Behind the house, within the backyard, is another yard enclosed in a chain link fence. When I first saw it, I thought the other yard was an odd cutout of the neighbors yard. Why else would you run a chain link fence through a nice looking yard? But the fence had been there for some time. Now I figure the previous owners, the only other owners of our house, had put it up to protect their garden, probably when deer roamed through.

That garden had vanished when we moved in. Old Mr. and Mrs. Drew had also. He built the house in 1951, just in time to start a family, grow some more kids, bump out the attic for room sake and tack on a sunroom and a shed in the back. He could walk to work, to the Steamship Authority, where he ran the parking lot like it was his own front yard. Then he retired. The wife taught swimming I heard and raised the best tomatoes around. They grew old together, following each other closely into nursing homes and then the grave. In the linen closet upstairs I left the peeling masking tape that the woman’s diligent hands had taped to the pine shelves. “Twin sheets,” “washcloths.” I like to think of her hanging out diapers between the two thick posts in the back, then checking the tomatoes.

“One plants, one waters but God gives the increase.” 1 Corinthians 3:6

I try to remember this when I do anything for Jesus: when I sit in a little classroom at the county jail with 12 poker face women, when I play “Amazing Grace” for the hundredth time, when I ask a dying man if he knows where he’s going. Chances are, others have gone before me and I’m not sure if I’m carrying a spade or a watering can. Or maybe I’m dropping a tiny seed into the darkness. It doesn’t matter though. Only God makes it grow, makes a tomato turn red, makes anything break through the sandy crust of my herb garden

Last week I caught my husband leaning over the chain link fence, staring into the garden. We dug it up three years ago, the ground still rich and dark from the Drews. Living on a sand bar, you appreciate real dirt and we laughed and hollered like we had struck gold. But C.B. knew it could be even better, so we trucked in dirt from a lost farm outside of Bridgewater State Hospital, an ancient manure pile that only insiders knew of, and the dirt, when my husband had finished screening it, looked like Italian espresso. I knew he was looking at the dirt.

When I look at the garden, I see tomatoes, little gold ones and fat red ones, and cucumbers twisting off vines, and I see some squash and jalapeños. So he lets me plant after he prepares. Right beside the garden is a small patch of rocky sand that I call my herb garden. The Dirt Man doesn’t notice it, on purpose, and it becomes a wild tangle of basil with a thyme bush that grows ever larger each year, choking out the oregano and wrestling with the mint. It’s a study in adversity for me because I have no patience for preparing or weeding or even moving rocks. No sissy herbs in my garden.So then neither he who plants is anything, nor he who waters , but God who gives the increase. Now he who plants and he who waters are one, and each one will receive his own reward according to his own labor. 1 Corinthians 3:7 NKJV

 The Dirt Man gets ready, and I dream a lot. God made us for each other I think because you need both just to hope. And sometimes you can hope and pray with all your might and you’re still left with just dirt.

“And each one will receive his own reward according to his labor.”

Not how big your tomatoes are or how many peppers you pick, but how hard you work – digging, sweating and praying for rain. This gives me peace when I have a hard night at the jail. Sometimes they just stare at me like I just climbed down a ladder from my spaceship.

“You think I’m crazy, don’t you?” I asked last week, just so I could stop talking.

They laughed, but it was a sweet laugh, like they were grateful to me just for that.

“Good crazy,” one of them said. And that was enough.

Way in the back, behind the old shed, where the dark forest is overtaking the outer edge of the Drew’s boundary markers, stands a tree. I keep meaning to look it up, but it’s a pretty tree and I know he planted it there, years ago when there was no forest and it was just a sapling. Now no one ever sees that tree, not even the neighbors and even I forget it’s there until I happen upon it when I’m dumping leaves in the compost heap or moving one of the fourteen garbage cans around that my husband thinks we will need someday.

Right now, that tree will take your breath away, like you walked into another world. It’s covered in soft white blossoms, each with a whisper of pink around the center – majestic and lovely like it’s Queen of the forest. No one sees it except for squirrels and angels but it’s no less pretty for them than me.

I think that’s how God’s kingdom works. We plant, then water, then wait. We might wait a long time. Maybe I will follow the Dirt Man into a nursing home and a young woman with a bushel of babies will run her fingers over the old masking tape in the linen closet and smile. Maybe her husband likes dirt. Seasons change.

These were all commended for their faith, yet none of them received what had been promised. Hebrews 11:39

Sometimes when I am having a sad day, when I just want to go home, my husband will smile and say, “One day closer to glory!” The reward.

But until then, he will get the dirt ready and I will dream and God will send the rain. There is joy in the going, there is rest in the labors of all who have gone before us and there is a God who loves to plant hidden treasure along the way, a taste of glory here on earth, to be discovered when you play Amazing Grace 101 times or maybe right in your very own back yard.

The Weight of Twenty Years

Twenty years ago the 26th of this month, I gazed upon the lifeless body of the boy who made me mom. Spencer was a few weeks short of 22, a young man really, but always a boy to his mom, as I point out to my other two sons, who are now fully men.

Spence with South African friends

Twenty years. It sounds like a lot of time. But having now lived through three spans of 20 years and change, I can say it’s not really the time – the days and months neatly stacked into years. It’s the stuff in-between the straight lines. Things learned; things lost. The letting go and full surrender, and the tenacious grip of what I know I must never forget. Then the more subtle change, like a rock worn smooth by the press of a timeless river. I have stayed and stood. And there’s much to be said for that – especially from a girl who used to dance on desktops during naptime in kindergarten. Twenty years of decisions, trying to negotiate the next step and keep my heart pure, hungry for truth and filled with a love that only God can give; to look up to things eternal, when temporal charms clamor to distract and deceive. I have failed too many times to count, but I could count His grace and mercy one more time than that.

It always puzzles me when I run into an old acquaintance of Spencer’s and they are gray or bald with a teenager skulking behind them. What? Oh yeah, twenty years. My own grandchildren are soaring in age and size, the oldest now a teenager too. A new generation has sprouted, and I like that. I am getting tired, and I long for nothing more than a place on a bench, where I can delight in the glory of God’s blessing. And some rest is nice too, although God nudges me on. He is not finished with this story yet.

My granddaughter Olive, is eleven now. When asked to write a paper on “Who inspires you most?” she chose Uncle Spencer, someone she never came close to meeting. You could argue he was no hero, no legend like Martin Luther King or Billy Graham. True! But like all legends, he was remembered for his sacrifice and courage, not his humanity. Peter denied, Winston Churchill drank too much, Lincoln and Spurgeon struggled with deep depression. Martin Luther King was no angel. Nor was Spence – but in a true sense of heroic, he fit the bill. Ever conscious of his humanity and all the failings and stumblings that go with that, he would want us to remember that too. I do. In fact, it was this unseen side of my son that draws me and others who knew him well the most. As Olive noted:

It wasn’t until his death that all the ways he had served others throughout his life were revealed. His humility and willingness to serve others was inspiring.

 In fact, it was this side of Spencer Macleod that was most riveting in my mind. Out of the spotlight, without a mic in hand, when no one but Jesus would know, he loved sacrificially. That, to me, is a real hero.

Last week a woman sat at my table with me and I could tell she was more than depressed. End of the rope, frustrated, stymied. Where was her answer? I prayed silently for words – the right words. Finally I leaned across the table and said softly, “You know, God makes this real simple. You have to love.”

I know this is not really what she wanted to hear. As grand and heroic as Love sounds, it’s not a viable option when you’ve been hurt, legitimately crushed near to emotional death. But I added this:

“If God commands it, He will equip you for it.”

This is hard. Jesus knew it would be. He even said, If all you do is love the lovable, do you expect a bonus? Anybody can do that. (Matthew 5:46 The Message)

The true Gospel will always challenge every rational fiber in our mind. You may get your best friend to agree with you, or even your pastor, but you won’t move the Holy Spirit. Rock of Ages, Ancient of Days. Where there is no “shadow of turning,” there is also no compromise, no exceptions. Forgive, love, surrender. Simple commands that we consistently complicate.

When Spencer left this world for his real heavenly home, he passed a torch to me in the ER that dark night. I was still learning so much about True Love. Yet I had no doubt that even as he breathed his last breath, he forgave. Love scooped him up and carried him home. And I was left with his wallet in my hands and a story I couldn’t see from my view in the valley for several years. It took time, it took obedience – the grueling press forward when you’d rather quit and go for what’s behind Door #2 or 3. It took learning to love the way my son did. Others first. Not just loving the Unlovables, but recognizing I am one.

A kingdom scale has a different balance than an earthly scale. The impact of that night still sends tremors through my soul. I still wince when I see an ambulance, a large knife or a fight. My breath quickens when I hear a Trauma Alert overhead at work. January 26th 2002, the earth shook and shifted and opened right up under my feet. Everything I thought I could hold onto vanished. But the only One I needed was holding onto me.

The scale of “haves” rose dramatically against the weight of “have nots.” God has not picked up all the broken pieces and placed them back where they belong. He had a better plan ­– a Kingdom-Designed-Forever plan. And over 20 years, which is just a breath to the Master, the scales are tipped again. His love flat-out broke the scale. And all I said was, “yes.”

Let the redeemed of the Lord say so,
Whom He has redeemed from the hand of the enemy, Psalm 107:2

 The Enemy thought he had won that night. He thought there were too many pieces to ever rebuild. And he was right. He thought I could never be strong enough. Right again. But he missed the torch passed from the hand of a son to a mother, the Father reaching down from heaven to ask me, “Will you forgive?”and my feeble “Yes.” He didn’t understand that God IS my strength. And he didn’t even consider Love, the Redeemer’s most powerful weapon. There were times when Door #2 looked very attractive. But I said “No.” You do not need a seminary degree to do this.

Simply let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ Anything more comes from the evil one. –  Jesus (Matthew 5:37)

Twenty years. The old adage, “only time will tell” carries some truth. Elisabeth Eliot wisely noted, “Cruelty and wrong are not the greatest forces in the world. There is nothing eternal in them. Only love is eternal.” Only Love tips the scale, and keeps tipping it. My Redeemer lives, and so does yours. When we say YES, He gets to work and delights in bringing not just light in darkness, but “joy unspeakable and full of glory.”

Spencer wrote:

“This life is nothing more than a pilgrimage to heaven. This journey is a journey of the heart.”

 Dear Pilgrim, How is your heart? Is God waiting for your Yes?

Olive Macleod will one day meet her Uncle Spence. But until then, she can carry the torch. She also wrote, “Spencer Macleod makes me want to become a better person.” Comes with the torch. Carry on, little pilgrim. Let love bring you into His glory and grace, and a place of redemption and ridiculous joy. Maybe I’ll stick around another 20 years just to see it.

Just make sure there’s a bench nearby…

 

 

Olive

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Spencersmom.com Turns 10!

 I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus. Philippians 3:14

Blog: (noun) a website containing a writer’s or group of writers’ own experiences, observations, opinions, etc.

Blogged, blogging (verb)

 August 2011, ten years ago, I wrote my first blog. I blogged. I looked it up first, and when I saw I could just throw my opinion out there on the World Wide Web, like casting a trawl net into the ocean, I was intrigued. And so it began. Blogging. You can read my first blog here.

It was inspired by a refrigerator magnet that I still have. It says:

Everyone is entitled to my opinion.

 I still think that is hysterical, partly because I believe it’s true. My mother’s nickname for me as a mouthy little girl was “last word Lucy.” My words have gotten me into a world of trouble. Taming my tongue has been hard, even discouraging. But God in His long-suffering mercy is teaching me Grace and Silence too. He has also shown me the power of words that are used for His glory, like an arrow pulled back and steadying its aim.

Spencersmom.com began with those in mind, who like myself, were traveling the hidden path, the hard climb with no map in hand. The loss of a child is unquestionably the worst devastation a life can endure. But I have discovered there are many life experiences that derail a soul. Other losses, betrayals, rejection and loneliness. The craving for hope is as universal as the need for air. So, I’ve taken my words and aimed upward. Through all circumstances, and I’ve blogged through many that would seem “unspiritual,” including the Marathon Bomber, Post Concussive Syndrome and Grumpy Old Men, I can point to a lodestar, a safe harbor – a place of healing and redemption. Same answer always – Jesus Christ. You will find no other on this blog. But you will find an opinion that has been tried. As Job declared:

But he knows the way that I take; when he has tried me, I shall come out as gold. Job 23:10

 We live in a world that’s smothered by opinion. I do recognize that mine is not essential. But it seems to me, (in my opinion) that opinions begin and end in the frontal lobe, conceived through intellect and reasoning. Thought out, but never tried in the adversity of lived life. The bigger the brains, the better the opinion. Eventually, you don’t even need your own perspective or belief set – you can just borrow them from others who seem smarter. The danger of “parroting” opinion is that it bears no weight or value. It’s a two-dimensional hand-me-down. Your “view” is a cheap knock-off of the original, and even the original, for all of its glitz and bling, may be faux gold.

Perhaps the best way to discover what you really believe is to suffer, and suffer hard. The refining furnace of pain has a way of whittling away the endless dross of opinion, peripheral doctrine and beliefs. When I buried my son, I was humbled by the house of cards I had built. The neat stack of principles and policies I had constructed for God imploded immediately. In the smoldering heap of ruin, God in His patience and mercy, helped me rebuild. But this time, there would be no house of cards, no neat set of equations and balancing scales. I found that most of my opinions don’t matter. Weightless fluff.

There is a clarity and discernment that is pure and unblemished, a fearlessness of life or death when you finally come through the furnace. It was just Jesus within the fire and there, waiting, when I emerged – more majestic and mysterious than ever. “Follow me,” was my only direction. All obstacles had been stripped away, and the path was clear, His word a lamp for my feet. I find it is most difficult to follow Jesus on a good day – when the sun is bright and the way seems smooth. C.S. Lewis writes, in Screwtape Letters,

“Indeed the safest road to Hell is the gradual one–the gentle slope, soft underfoot, without sudden turnings, without milestones, without signposts.”

Soon we begin to gather those things we at one time surrendered. Our plans, position, our bitterness and self-pity. Sometimes it’s the “blessings” of God that most incumber us. If we’re not careful, we begin to resent God Himself, and His messengers. We are, on this side of heaven, in the flesh and inclined to pitch our tent towards all that dazzles ­and draws our hearts away from the rough climb upward. My son Spencer wrote:

“This life is nothing more than a pilgrimage to heaven. This journey is a journey of the heart.”

 Ah yes! It is more than just a set of footprints. It is a journey of the heart, and that’s why Jesus knew He was handing us enough with just one simple command: Love one another. Ten years goes by in a flash. And in all of my stumbling and fumbling, have I gotten any better at this? I guess others would have to answer that for me. As my words lift into the clamor of opinion, whether spoken, blogged, podcasted or spray-painted, the question is; Do they matter? And most importantly to me– do they glorify God? Have I “walked in love” (Ephesians 5:2)? Have I hit the mark?

 Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you ought to answer each person. Colossians 4:6

“Always?” Not me, not yet, but this I still strive for, “pressing towards the mark.”

Thank you, dear friend and reader, for 10 years of following along, or maybe just stopping by once, and sifting my words. Thank you for GRACE. May you find pure gold and words that edify and equip you for this journey – the call upward in Christ Jesus, a “journey of the heart.” And that’s much more than just my opinion. It’s the Way, the Truth and Life. It is the answer.

Ten years later, still on the fridge!

 

The 2021 Spencer Macleod Memorial Three Point Shoot Out

 

The crowd

Bap, bap, bap...the sound of a basketball hitting pavement still gives me a strange sense of comfort. I am transported back to gymnasiums, the squeak of sneakers on the floor, the shriek of a ref’s whistle. Though my eyes never left my child, eventually I learned the 10 rules, and caught on to many of the endless sub-rules, say for dribbling.  No traveling, double-dribbling and watch the clock – you have 5 seconds to pass.

All three of my sons played to some degree. Spencer, the oldest, quit high school and sports with it, but was instrumental in mentoring and encouraging his younger brother Miles through his high school career. Miles played into college. Jake, ten years younger and several inches taller, played into high school but stepped down so he could focus on God’s direction for his life. Many times, I could hear one of them approaching home as daylight faded. Bap…bap…bap. It’s a simple relationship between a boy and his ball.

So it made sense when the Yarmouth police chief introduced the idea of a memorial for Spencer at the Old Town House basketball courts. It was 2004, two years past his murder and all of the court proceedings had finally wrapped up. The Yarmouth police recognized Spencer as a hero, someone who gave his life for another, so plans were made.

I remember it was blustery cold, but the two courts were crowded that day. Police and firemen stood in uniform. Detectives, ex-thugs, my pastor, friends and family, church folks, the assistant DA and Sue O’Leary from the Victim Witness office all mingled together on a chilly fall day. We served cookies and hot cider and a group from church rapped a song Spencer wrote.

“This is a message to my heavenly Father

Who picked me up when I was helpless, broken – I needed shelter.”

As the leaves skittered across the courts and the trees tossed in the wind, God was there, moving among the people, finding just the right place in each heart to press upon. He was there to hold a broken mother, to point up and say “Look!” It was no ordinary celebration. When Jesus is in on it, all heaven will rejoice.

Bap…bap…bap. It’s July 1 2021. I’m sitting on one of the two stone benches that flank the stone memorial for Spencer. Miles and Jake are shooting around on the court, their wives and children are close by. Miles has announced that it is the 2021 Spencer Macleod Memorial Three Point Shoot Out. If you didn’t know, there were 13 of them, each year growing larger and expanding from a few guys passing the hat for the winner, to racks and refs and grand prizes, not to mention free raffle give-a-ways. Last year was a Covid casualty. This year was a combination of a tired director (my husband) and it landing on the edge of everything suddenly opening. Anyway, it wasn’t happening. Until now.

  Flyer from 2018

It’s one of those quirky things in a mom who’s lost a child. Like the shoebox my mom carried for fifty years with my brother’s soldier, Christmas stocking and First Place ribbon he won at a field day right before he died at age nine. I get it now. I carry my own “box,” real (yes, there is a box in the attic now almost 20 years later of Spencer’s things I can’t toss out) and imagined. I imagine he will be always remembered, always a hero, always the gentle young man who loved others the way Jesus does. Grace upon grace.  But people grow up, move, change…even forget. Time has no mercy, but allows us memories, like souvenirs.

I don’t know whether my sons consciously realize it, this sometimes painful processing that I do, although less often now. The quirkiness. They are grown and changed too. Men that still love the game, even though they laugh at their waning endurance on the court. Men that still love their brother.

 

The ball hits the backboard and bounces into the hoop.

“You still have a great shot, Jake,” Miles says. And I know that still means a lot to his not so little brother.

“Okay,” Miles announces as he stands at the three-point line, “for the 2021 Spencer Macleod Three Point Shoot Out, whoever gets the next three-pointer wins.” As he is still speaking, he shoots, and the ball swishes through the basket. I’m pretty sure he did not expect it and we shout and cheer. The grandkids are climbing on the memorial stone and laughter fills the air. Time slows down long enough for me to pull this all in and hold the moment. Did you know that God was right there again? You may even wonder if Jesus likes basketball and I think it could be true. All I know is 2021 may go down as one of the best three-point shootouts ever. But what does a mom know? Except that her kids are the best.

Cousins

 

On The Other Side of the Bed : Six Take-a-Ways From a Nurse Who Became a Patient

My tail is showing!

I held the remote loosely in my hand, respectful of the power within. How many times had I reviewed the colored buttons? The yellow light bulb, green TV in big letters flanked by volume and channel buttons, then the large red button at the top, which for many years had a nurse icon of a woman wearing a hat. “That’s me in the hat.” I’d say. Some laughed, some didn’t.

My thumb moved up to the red button and I drew a breath and pressed. It lit up and I could hear what sounded like a soft “ding…ding…ding” echoing up the hall. Interesting, I thought. It doesn’t sound that quiet at the nurses’ station, where it merges with at least four other alarms at any given time. Once I counted eight.

I had intentionally waited past change-of-shift- report, and in my mind I saw a nurse on the phone or in another patient’s room, a CNA or tech as they were called at this hospital, trying to make her rounds glancing at my light on, and the mental bulletin board that now has one more thing tacked to it. And I also knew that if I tried to get up to the bathroom on my own,  an alarm that must’ve been created by a prison warden would sound, and then a small crowd of harried personnel would descend upon me, part angry, part relieved that I am not splayed across the floor. So I waited.

I thought about my over 30 years of taking care of people like me, wearing oversized johnnies, helpless, grumpy – how sometimes I would see them as broken objects that required multiple tasks and interventions just to keep them alive (ER nursing), or as almost inanimate beings that had been culled apart into varying systems that somehow would become a whole (ICU). I remember my disappointment on my first day as a critical care nurse when I realized that for the most part, none of my patients could respond. They were intubated, surrounded by chirping pumps, flashing numbers and squawking ventilators. For this reason, I have always been drawn back to bedside nursing. Holding the hand of dying man or dancing in the bathroom with an Alzheimer’s patient, finding a place of trust and truth with the addict, or just making someone laugh; I know it’s a gift God gave me.

“Thank you for your care,” an elderly man told me a few weeks ago. “You have a way of taking away my anxiety.” We can’t always fix everyone, but we can make the day a little less daunting. I think I would’ve loved working with Florence Nightingale – the Grand Dame of the bedside. She was tough but compassionate, a zealous advocate for her patients. Maybe I could carry her lamp.

They say nurses make the worst patients. Define “worst.” I’ve cared for sick people for decades  in a huge variety of settings. Nurses don’t normally like the tables turned. Really, we can take care of ourselves. Yet I was humbled during my recent three night stay which was supposed to be just one. Oh, those irritating little complications which just seemed to pop up like a Whack-a-mole game in an arcade. My vison for my surgery was an easy one – hopping away with accolades from the healthcare team. I would overhear someone say, “Isn’t she remarkable, how quickly she was up and running!” Well, no – it didn’t go that way at all, starting in recovery when my blood pressure read 70 then a pesky bleed that required three units of blood, then a night of muscle spasms so intense I begged the nurse to empty the full arsenal of available pain killers into my mouth and veins. My last words to this kind soul were, “Do you think I might stop breathing?” Honestly, I didn’t care. Maybe she didn’t either. I woke up six hours later knowing right away I was not in heaven, but pain free. If you know me well at all, words like Stubborn, Obstinate, Willful might be in your descriptive cache, but I can argue (obstinately) that those are sometimes good traits. Yet as I lay in bed, unable to do anything on my own other than work the remote with the big red button at the top, I was humbled. And grateful.

I did not like being called a hero during the Covid pandemic. Yes, I cared for Covid patients. I became a nurse during the AIDS epidemic, when all anyone knew about it was that it killed. We didn’t know how, we just knew if we got it, we would die. So we wore what looked like Hazmat suits into their rooms, not knowing any better. Eventually we learned the truth, and we could sit next to them and hug them if they needed it. They often did. That’s a hero, looking beyond the disease and loving someone. The nurses on our Covid floor and ICU who went beyond the call of duty to make sure no one had to die alone – that’s a hero. But so is the nurse’s aide who bathes the withdrawing alcoholic from head to toe, shaves him and combs his hair so that some sort of dignity is retained. We are humans with a gift to love the un-loveables and bring mercy and light to those gripped by the sudden unknowns of sickness and injury. Sometimes we heal; sometimes we just hold hands. Or dance.

       Oh yeah! Now for six take-aways in no particular order.

  1. For my peers – every nurse, tech, aide, call bell-answerer – don’t take every patient personally. We are not mad at you! We just found out we’re not in control, and maybe a bit scared. Or grumpy, even sad. No reflection on YOU – just be kind. Smile. Be your beautiful self.
  2. Don’t be a nurse if you don’t care. Or doctor, or PA or NP. The patient can tell and is not wowed by your MENSA IQ, your flip dismissal of their true needs or seeing your name on the bleeping whiteboard.
  3. Patients – past, present and future. Just because your nurse is sitting down doesn’t mean she is shopping on Amazon. He or she could be saving your life by checking your labs, vital signs, meds and orders. If it sounds quiet, it could be because everyone is in another room saving a life, or cleaning up a colossal mess. Short answer; you don’t know.
  4. Your nurse or aide is not your Personal Care Assistant. We are REALLY busy with other patients and families, trying to help the sickest first. Be glad you are NOT the sickest! This is 2021 – resources are scarce, including our time. We are stretched to the outermost. Add this to the “new Normal.”
  5. I pray in the parking lot every morning before work. I ask Jesus to make me more like Him, to be a slice of God’s light in an often dark place. Sometimes, when the light starts to dim, I have to pray again in the bathroom. God doesn’t care. Same for when I was a patient, although my prayer was more like this: Help!!! He likes that one too. So if you don’t know Jesus, you really should. He hears us.
  6. Don’t bring make-up or even a hairbrush to the hospital. Something about those hospital johnnies liberates you from caring one iota about how you look.

I am home and hobbled for a while, but I think about my coworkers more than I thought I would. I work with an amazing team of nurses, CNA’s, NPs, docs and housekeepers. And an amazing manager. Pandemic or not, they are my heroes. And this is coming from a nurse who just crossed over into the bed. And was humbled.

“My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.” — Psalm 73:26

 

Home!

 

 

 

 

Seeking the Cross – Finding a Garden

These are them!

 

It was pathetic – but also kind of sweet, like an ugly puppy. There we were, staring at the cold dirt, two signs of spring – a smatter of purple crocuses and two next door neighbors talking to each other. Really, this is Cape Cod. It draws people who can’t run any farther away from the rest of the world. We’re okay with social distance. But there we were, huddled over a small patch of dirt that bordered our property line, transfixed with goofy grins as the sun set and the damp chill began to wrap its icy fingers around us. Spring in New England, especially the coast, is more symbolic than substance.

It’s always seemed fair to me that Easter arrives in the midst of this not-so-attractive time of year. I know other places in the country enjoy lilies and bonnets and picnics in the park, but here an easter egg hunt must be fast, like most folks hope their church service is. When I was a girl, it meant I had to stay in a dress way too long. Somehow the cross was buried beneath the hard ground. “He is risen!” the priest would exclaim. From what? I was curious. It sounded like a hat trick. Now you see him, now you don’t. The cross was etched across hot cross buns and forgotten. The connection was broken.

In the place where He was crucified there was a garden. John 19:41

Amy Carmichael wrote: “This is my Easter word for you. You will find your garden very near to the place where you will be crucified.” Then this –

 But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair;  persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body.2 Corinthians 4:7-10

A coworker asked me to tell her about Jesus last week. As we sat on her couch cradling our coffee mugs, I said something like this:

There is nothing on earth to compare to the joy, the peace, the complete undeserved and immeasurable love of God. Then we get heaven!

But first you have to die.

Alone. This is not a big selling point.

In the place…there was a garden.

 In that very place where we die there is good soil. I have planted seeds of forgiveness, small seeds of faith, sprinkled seeds of grace. Then waited…

Three days must’ve seemed like a lifetime to Jesus’ disciples. Time enough to doubt, to turn back, to go fishing. Three days of darkness – enough time to die.

“Do you love me?” Jesus asked Peter three times, after he had risen. Love has more gravity after you die.  It’s a robust, rugged God-love that waters and tends the garden. Just when you think nothing at all could ever grow, the craziest things spring up. Restoration, healing, joy unspeakable and full of glory. And the God-love never runs out, as long as we keep sowing the seed, rain or shine.

It is hope when all seems hopeless. That’s a promise.

Take up your cross daily and follow me – Jesus (Luke 9:23)

Daily? That’s also a hard selling point. Right after that he tells the crowd that if you really want to find your life, (Ah! Now he’s talking!) you must lose it. (What?)

Some days I don’t want to pick up my cross. I am too busy living my best life now, with its perks and petty offenses. I want things my way. It seems so…right. But the garden suffers horribly. Nothing can grow except bit fat weeds.

When we look at the cross this Easter, let’s not just remember Jesus and His death. We must carry His death, His humility, His suffering before we can carry His life and resurrection power. His treasure in these ordinary jars of clay. Amazing.

Bob (my neighbor) and I went back into our houses, leaving the brave little crocuses to huddle above the barren earth as the night covered them in frost. And they were there this morning, waving to me as I pulled out of the driveway, an almost extravagant display of color against a gray and barren landscape. That’s my God, I thought as I drove off. Hope. And it’s all worth waiting for.

 

I AM THEY: Christ Be Magnified

https://youtu.be/kxqY2KihKbQ